We left Santa Cruz with a plan- we would stay with my parents for three weeks and then, on we would move. Forward, we would go, until our sails lost their wind, and our vision cast itself upon the sandy shores. We have always followed our vision, whether we saw the fullness of the end result or not, and it's in those moments that we have seen the most fruit and happiness. However, it is four months later, which is quite different than three weeks, and we are still here. New Jersey. Living with Jimmy's parents now. Yet the same scenario-without a home or stability. We want to move on, but like deja vu, we are realistically dealing with the coming of baby #2. Where do we go?
A thought hit me- financially, we were in a much better situation in Santa Cruz. We were scared, but honestly, if we had found a less expensive living situation and with Jimmy's current job at Verve Coffee Roasters, we could have survived. Yet, I had this boldness of conviction- that I needed to be near family. I still understand that need- especially when I see how loved Elliot is, however- how can I keep him here, without a home, and without much of a hope that we will be able to provide financially for our family?
This is a honest writing. I am not afraid to reveal where we are, and what we are considering. Maybe it is because we feel so unsure that the need for privacy evades us, and instead, we want to ask friends- the stranger walking her dog, the woman in front of us at the grocery store, "WHAT DO WE DO?" The songs we hear speak to us, the things our friends say inspire us- yet, how do we move when we feel so stuck? I think it's what my husband said in his previous post- "The chains are not real." They do not exist. Even the ones that seem to stem from guilt or doubt- the feelings may be real, but their reality is not all powerful, nor are they indestructible. But the feelings that come from enjoyment and empowerment- the people who remind you who you are- they are indestructible and immortal. They will never end, no matter what our present situation may be.
Dani
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I can really relate as we too moved to be by family and it didn't end up looking like we had expected. The one thing that I have found helpful, is to always try to make sure that we were in fact moving toward something, not running from whatever fear or unwanted thing was in the picture. You guys will figure this out, there is no wrong answer, just to keep going. xx
ReplyDeleteI totally understand that, Colleen! When it first became difficult, I just wanted to go as far away as possible. But that was not possible and it was actually good, because it gave us time to think. To really understand what we wanted to do. And we still want to go. haha. Or, we know it is the best choice for our family- to move forward to the goals we desire. We both have families that have done a lot for us, which we are grateful for, of course, but we need the separation in order to really learn how to live or to be independent. We still need to establish ourselves as a family- we haven't even been married two years!
ReplyDeleteAnyways, we love you and your family. One of the saddest things about leaving was that we JUST met you all! Hopefully, the Lord will open up a door for us to make it back to the west coast. It's where our heart is, for sure.