A Little Bit of My Past and A Whole Lot of Hope

So many people who know me now, did not know me then.  If they had known me then, they would see little of what they saw then.  In fact, I am hardly the "me" I was then.  God has been giving me the green light to go forward and tell: give details about where I was and why it means so much to where I am now.

For starters, I never thought I would be a mother.  Woman who struggle for years with an eating disorder usually have some fear of being able to get pregnant.  You see, an eating disorder effects your whole body and I was no exception: I did not menstruate for years (sorry for the TMI, but it's pertinent to my story).  So, while a honeymoon baby scared me a little, I was also relieved.  I can get pregnant.  Whether this was because the Lord healed me or just that he also kept my baby-makin' parts safe, it does not matter.  What matters is that there is some truth to this whole "new creation" and "God loves us" stuff.

This is not to brag and while some may say "brag?  90 something lbs at 5'7 is disgusting," people with an eating disorder will understand what I mean.  To break 100 and enter the double digits is a huge feat.  This is so sad that it makes me bones hurt and my heart long for the healing of many, especially because I know that most places of treatment teach their patients, "You will always have the voices.  You will always have to prepare for the relapses."  In short, you will never get rid of this "thing."  This monster that creeps it's way into your mind, your body- your soul even, until there is hardly any part of you left, except  for the lonely part that wishes this would all end.  They tell you that eating disorders are permanent, and they mean it.  They do not tell you this maliciously, but out of experience, because 20 % of all persons who develop the disease will die prematurely.  This is devastating, especially because most wind up ending their own lives.  They end their lives because they see no end- even if they learn to "live" with it, they still have to "live" with it.  It does not disappear, rather it's arms become extremely constant.  This all sounds rather depressing, does it not?

Well, I am writing this because I have good news.  I suffered from anorexia from the time I was 12 until I was 22.  I was in and out of hospitals, and finally at the last hospitalization, I reached my lowest.  Barely 90 lbs.  I had shrunk my heart, I had the beginning stages of osteoporosis and I was so malnourished that they tried for over an hour to draw blood.  This makes me so sad to write- especially because I know that I missed out on a lot.  No high schooler knows how to deal with a friend who starves themselves, and therefore, I did not keep many friends.  However, I know there is a reason for what I went through.  I am proof that you don't always have to "live" with it.  Before, when anything would upset me, my first thought would be "I'll skip this meal" or "I'll lose a couple pounds."  It was automatic.  I do not think this way anymore, nor do I have those voices anymore that tell me I am fat.  It sounds so cliche.  People who do not have an eating disorder make fun of those "skinny girls" that say "I'm so fat." and "throw up all the time."  However, they do not realize this is a real disease and the person does feel heavy.  It's as if any weight is too much weight and the only way to feel okay is to feel empty.

The point is this, and I will say it clearly:  Knowing Jesus has completely healed me of anorexia.  Completely.  I could not imagine myself going back.  I want other woman to know this.  I want them to go beyond the "I chose this because I am a sinner," and instead understand they do not have to chose this because they are beautiful and made in the image of God. Their DNA is divine.  I want woman to feel hopeful at the thought of recovery and not think that at any time, any little upset could trigger a huge relapse.  It is not a way to live.  This is a short blog on what God has been speaking to me.  I have some more ideas coming, but I want people to know my story and the extent of where God has brought me- not because I need my testimony out there, but because I want others to have hope!